In my last article I talked about your personal identity in a couple that you can easily lose when you are in a toxic relationship. We all hear the phrase of a toxic relationship, everyone wants to avoid it, everyone knows the theory .. but what really happens in such a relationship and how do we get involved in it from the beginning?
We are not stupid, we do not fall in love with anyone just because he threw us a playful smile ,because he looked at us with the eyes of the deer, or because he said some sweet stuff to us. We fell in love with facts, actions, and his behavior towards us and this road is paved with good intentions, which will eventually absorb us from all the energy and love we want to offer.
At the beginning of the relationship, we saw only the good parts, the qualities of him, the way he makes us feel, and we do not realize how slowly it starts to change, to manipulate us.
In a toxic relationship the fear that you will lose the other will always be present, because whenever it is possible, your partner will remind you that „if you do not change, we will break up”.
I have been in such a relationship for two years (officially). Why do I say officially? Because after those two years we continued to see each other, to talk, but we were not together.
That relationship has changed me from the beginning. Because I did not realize why but I was rolling around him, everything in my life was about him and he made me think I’m not good enough to be with him, as he just stays with me until he finds another replacement better than me.
I began to be jealous and suspicious at every step, and then he told me it was my fault, that we were fighting because of me, that I was reacting like that. But he did not see that it was just the effect of his actions. I reached the point where I questioned the ability to ever get what I want, without him to be with me. I was less and less confident in myself.
I wanted so much to see if I could do it myself without being under his influence, but I could not resist without talking to him. I remember that when we separated, I counted the hours I did not talk to him and I tried to persuade myself to resist 24 hours without talking to him. Sometimes I was able to resist for 48 hours. During the time we were separated I felt free, I was another person but then we went back to the usual stuff and got my drug.
In our usual breaks, I tried and sometimes managed to change, to become that „better person” that he wanted. The problem was that I just simulated those changes, just wanting to bring him back to my life.
After my final break, I started to take care of myself, my goals, my future. It was hard and I needed 2 years of recovery after that relationship, to figure out who I really want to be, what I want to keep from those changes that I suppose I did and how to adapt them to my personality. I’ve changed, I’ve become a better version of myself, I have understood many things about myself, about him, about us, but this time I did for myself, on my own initiative, without being afraid of losing someone.
In a toxic relationship, the partner sees in you only what he/she can change, unleashes all your weaknesses and strikes with you repeatedly. You tell yourself that it is the moment, that every break is for the moment, that it will pass.
Why are you doing this?
Because reconciliation is sweet, because you love him/her more after every argument, because you become dependent on it without realizing it.Yes, it sounds ugly,but it’s true. You are dependent on it, your quarrels, your reconciliation, everything. You are in a parallel universe with everyone who tells you that you are poisonous to the other, that you are doing more harm to each other, that love does not hurt so much. But you do not want to listen, you do not care.
After you succeed to get out of this vicious circle, you need around you people who see you as you are, who know how to bring out the qualities, and who tell you when you are wrong, in a firm way so that you do not feel like they will abandon you because of your mistakes or your faults.These people can be your family, your friends, your classmates. anybody.
Do not believe that if you were in a toxic relationship that is over, you will not miss your old partner,because you will miss him. You still have feelings for him, it will still be part of you. an experience. You have to give yourself time, to forgive yourself, to understand yourself, and maybe to forgive him too.
So take all your time in the world. Analyze your relationship, partner, yourself. Ask yourself if this is what you want, if you are happy, if the beautiful moments are much more than the sad moments. If the answer is YES, then you are probably in a healthy relationship, but if your answer is NO, then maybe you should look more closely at your relationship, maybe you will discover things that can help you improve your relationship, or get out of it.
In any situation where you are now, I want you to know that you do not have to go through this alone. Ask for help, talk to someone you trust. it will make you feel better, you will feel free, you will think more clearly.
If you want to see the good parts of a love relationship, please read these articles and maybe you will find something useful: